November 30, 1998
New Words for the 90's
PEROT: To quit unexpectedly, as in, "My cellular phone just perot'ed."
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
CHIPS AND SALSA: Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
DANCING BALONEY: Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."
DEPOTPHOBIA: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia (Fry's-ophobia in Southern California and the Bay area).
FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."
GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
MIDAIR PASSENGER EXCHANGE: Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum rain."
PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, sh-ts over everything and then leaves.
SQUARE-HEADED GIRLFRIEND: Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow".
TELEPHONE NUMBER SALARY: A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
UMFRIEND: A sexual relation of dubious standing. "This is uh.. Dale, my...um...friend..."
UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
GENERATION X AND THEIR OFFICE LINGO
BLAMESTORMING: sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible
BODY NAZIS: hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands
CUBE FARM: an office filled with cubicles
EGO SURFING: scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name
ELVIS YEAR: the peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.
404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located -- Don't bother asking him, he's 404.
MOUSE POTATO: the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato
SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage
STRESS PUPPY: a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny
TOURISTS: those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
XEROX SUBSIDY: euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace
November 29, 1998
TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE BUT AREN'T
10. I NEED TO WHIP IT OUT BY 5!
9. MIND IF I USE YOUR LAPTOP
8. PUT IT IN MY BOX BEFORE I LEAVE.
7. IF I HAVE TO LICK ONE MORE, I'LL GAG!
6. I WANT IT ON MY DESK, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM... I THINK IT'S OUT OF FLUID.
4. MY EQUIPMENT IS SO OLD IT TAKES FOREVER TO FINISH.
3. IT'S AN ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION.
2. WHEN DO YOU THINK YOU'LL BE GETTING OFF TODAY?
AND THE NUMBER 1 THING THAT SOUNDS DIRTY AT THE OFFICE BUT ISN'T:
1. IT'S NOT FAIR...I DO ALL THE WORK WHILE HE JUST SITS THERE!
November 27, 1998
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in engineering" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must work in management."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
November 27, 1998
JUST IN CASE YOU THINK YOU ARE TC (TECHNOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED),THE FOLLOWING IS AN EXCERPT TAKEN FROM A WALL STREET JOURNAL ARTICLE
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. The customer had stuck labels on the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The"foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
November 23, 1998
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Weed
2. Vancouver: 1.9 million people and two bridges
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6. A university with a nude beach
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on
10. Cannabis
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big Rock
2. Preston Manning
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent
4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat
2. Those cool Saskatewan Wheat Pool hats
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
4. Your province is really easy to draw
5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
7. YOUR Roughriders survived
8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9. People will assume you live on a farm
10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property
2. Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg"
3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto
4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government
5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
7. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work
8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood
9. Because of your license plate, you are still "friendly" even when you cut someone off
10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the center of the universe
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Seperatist
5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool city
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards"
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken celtic fiddlers
2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income
3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston
6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
7. You have French people, but they don't want to kill you
8. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse
9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire
2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia
3. Everyone is a fiddle player
4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal
7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt
9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big-ass bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave
7. You can drive across the the province in two minutes
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
2. If Quebec Seperates, you will float off to sea
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
7. The work day is about two hours long
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass
10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day
November 21, 1998
SIGNS YOU MAY BE A CANADIAN
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp,eh!!"
8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
10.You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
11.You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
12.You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
14. You're not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small town in Quebec!
19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
21. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
22. You read rather than scanned this list.
23. You don't get pissed up on 5 American beers, eh ?!
November 15th, 1998
Rejected Hallmark Cards:
1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.
2. My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry
3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
5. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me
7. Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive
Don't you regret installing
Windows 95?
8. You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?
November 12th, 1998
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a second, then spoke. "Watson, you imbecile. Some bastard has stolen our tent!"
November 11th, 1998
Life's Little Questions
--------------------------
* How do I set my laser printer on stun?
* How is it possible to have a civil war?
* If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
* If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
* If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
November 9th, 1998
Bill and Hilary were driving through Little Rock, and when they passd by a gas station a big man yelled 'Hi Hilary' and Hilary said 'Hi Bubba'.
Bill asked 'who was that?'
And Hilary told him it was a old high school boyfriend.
Bill said, 'See if you married him you would be married to a gas station attendant, but
you married me now you're the first lady.'
And Hilary told him, 'If I married him he would be the president, and you would be the
gas station
attendant.'
November 8th, 1998
His and her ATM machines
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
Black holes are God's way of dividing by zero.
November 6th, 1998
A lawyer opened the door of his new BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
"Where's my Rolex???!!!!"
November 6th, 1998
New computer viruses...
Monica Lewinsky virus......Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Ronald Reagan virus........Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson virus...........Quits after one byte.
Oprah Winfrey virus.........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
Lorena Bobbit virus........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus... Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
Ellen Degeneres virus......Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
Titanic virus..............Makes your whole computer go down
Disney virus...............Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Prozac virus...............Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
Sharon Stone virus.........Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Tim Allen virus............Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
Woody Allen virus..........Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Saddam Hussein virus.......Won't let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virus........Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons
George Michaels virus......Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data build-up.
Joey Buttafuoco virus......Only attacks minor files
X-files virus..............All your Icons start shape shifting
Spice Girl virus...........Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
AT&T virus.................Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
November 4th, 1998
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. Their insight may surprise you...
-Better to be safe than.....Punch a 5th grader.
-Strike While the.....Bug is close.
-It's always darkest before.....Daylight Savings time.
-Never underestimate the power of.....Termites.
-You can lead a horse to water but.....how?
-Don't bite the hand that.....looks dirty.
-No news is.....impossible.
-A miss is as good as a .....Mr.
-You can't teach an old dog new.....math.
-If you lie down with dogs, you'll.....stink in the morning.
-Love all, trust.....me.
-The pen is mightier than the .....pigs.
-An idle mind is.....The best way to relax.
-Where there's smoke there's.....Pollution.
-Happy the bride who.....gets all the presents.
-A penny saved is.....not much.
-Two's company, three's.....the Musketeers.
-Don't put off till tomorrow what.....you put on to go to bed.
-Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.
-None are so blind as.....Helen Keller.
-Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.
-If at first you don't succeed.....get new batteries.
-You get out of something what you.....see pictured on the box.
-When the blind leadeth the blind.....get out of the way.