Click the button for the jokes from November. Click the button for the jokes from November.December 18th, 1998
'Twas The Night--Politically Correct
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves."
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with four pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard roof noises up on their roof-tops.
Smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf would sue o'er the use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Asking millions of dollars in due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
Joined a self-helping group, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim and nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike and so, non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales too, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie...(just better off hidden.)
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who said the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, not football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to the dirt.
Dolls were too sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo, 'twas found, rots your brain cells away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just couldn't figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
(But you've got to be careful with that word today.)
His sack was quite empty, lay limp on the ground;
No suitable gift for this year could be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people and every religion;
Every ethnicity, each color and hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even to you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace here on earth,
And share lots of Wilcox music
To increase the worth."
December 16th, 1998
Laws of the Universe
1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. Paul Wojciak's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
19. Supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces every time.
20. Dick Baker's law: The circuit always knows what it is doing; it is up to you to find out what it is doing.
December 14th, 1998
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation.
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "Its this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
December 14th, 1998
A TRUE CANADIAN
A man had tickets to Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final right at center ice. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says. The seat is empty.
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1947."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."
December 14th, 1998
A blonde a brunnette and a red head all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job.
At the end of the first day the red head had painted 3 miles the bruenette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles.
The boss was so exited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers.
The next day the red head painted 5 miles and the bruenette 5.6 miles and the blonde 4 miles he told her not to worry you still have a good lead.
So, on the third day the red hed had painted 6 miles the bruenette 5 miles and the blond only one mile.
The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so good".
She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away".
December 14th, 1998
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary Clinton sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
December 13th, 1998
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his rifle."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
December 11th, 1998
After insulting the female genie from the magic bottle, Carlos makes a wish to wake up with three women in his bed. So the annoyed genie says
"So be it!",and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, Carlos wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.
December 10th, 1998
Thoughts for the season:
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a workstation...
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Go ahead and take risks...just be sure that everything will turn out OK..
No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Think "honk" if you're telepathic
ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... ...or is it?
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
- Remember, half the people in the world are below average.
December 10th, 1998
Talk Dirty To Me!
Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
and the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
and the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
and the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
December 8th, 1998
YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE 80s IF -
You know what a burnout is.
You know the profound meaning of Wax on, Wax off.
You know that another name for a keyboard is a Synthesizer
You can name at least half of the members of the elite Brat Pack.
You wanted to be a Goonie.
You felt ashamed when Rob Lowe got in trouble for sex with minors and videotaping it,because you liked him.
You know who Max Headroom is.
You wore fluorescent, neon clothing.
You could breakdance, or wished you could.
You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
You Believed that By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power.
Partying like its 1999 seemed SO far away.
You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
You wanted to be on StarSearch or Solid Gold.
You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before
You thought his red leather jacket was cool.
You used to wear one woollen glove to school too.
You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who did.
You HAD to have your MTV
You hold a special place in your heart for Back to the Future.
You know where to go if you wanna go where everybody knows your name.
You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
You actually thought Dirty Dancing was a REALLY good movie.
When you had fights with your siblings you'd say "Don't make me angry!" then pretend to turn your eyes green.
You have heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
You knew The Artist when he was humbly called Prince.
You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played Sam to be.
You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
And ping-pong was tops until Donkey-Kong came along, which you thought would never be surpassed.
You own any cassettes.
You own any Tiffany cassettes.
You remember dancing to popsters like Debbie Gibson.
You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
Glow-worms?
You remember And/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from Pizza Hut or any other stupid collection they came out with.
Poltergeist freaked you out.
You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
You know what a Doozer is.
You wore bike shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.
You ever had a Swatch Watch.
You had a crush on one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman), or knew someone who did.
You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
You used to laugh at a hairy sock called Alf.
You remember that spiky flat-tops were the rave after Top Gun.
You know what a Whammee is.
You used to boast about how they would achieve those motorcycle formation shots in CHiPs.
You used to get into the family car by sliding through the open window of the closed car door.
You saw Ghostbusters 7 times.
You ran around the playground saying: "We came, we saw, we kicked ass!"
You knew all the opening monologues to: The A-team, StreetHawk and AutoMan.
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are a Child of the 80's.
December 2, 1998
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats
