Click the button for the jokes from December.What can I say? I've been very busy this month so this page will include January and February jokes. I'll try not to let the page get to large.
Click the button for the jokes from December. Click the button for the jokes from November.February 23, 1999
Top 50 Oxymorons...
February 23, 1999
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but
there was no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be
convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer
said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this
case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door.
The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all
looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in
this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not
guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned
and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of
you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
February 22, 1999
I wonder how many limbs the guys who invented the external combustion engine lost
before they decided to go with the internal idea.
I'd like to do something to just melt my wife's heart for Valentine's day, but its not an
easy thing to do. I mean, do you know how hot you have to get a human heart before
it will melt?
I think the human population should be thinned out the way herds are in nature. I suggest
a good place to start would be with Yanni and John Tesh.
If a tree falls in a forest and lands on a politician, even if you can't hear the tree or
the screams, I'll bet you'd at least hear the applause.
If I were Spiderman, my first order of business would to make a web hammock, 'cause, damn,
those things are comfortable.
While playing "Strip Trivial Pursuit" with a bunch of cheerleaders is a
brilliant concept, in reality, it just takes too damn long.
I bet if I stick a fork in someone's eye, I won't have to set at the kids table again next
year.
Nothing says "I Love You" like a great big cookie with "I Love You"
written on it.
All my friends call me a "lush", but it's not what you're thinking.
Actually, I have a serious, serious drinking problem.
If I had a dollar for everytime I whined about something, I'd just sit around and complain
all day. Because even though no one likes a whiner, everyone likes rich people.
'Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have eaten sourish butternut squash and
anchovies and loved and lost.
When you watch "America's Most Wanted" or "Unsolved Mysteries," do you
ever suspect that the actors playing the criminals could in fact be the culprits?
Why the hell doesn't anyone make brown underwear?
If LL Cool J became president, would we call him President J, or LL Cool Prez?
I just can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm being followed, and neither can my Siamese
twin.
I'm sorry but "Fat Tuesday" sounds more like a cheap gangster name than a
holiday.
I wish I had a personal mascot. After a hard day's work, seeing his crazy antics
would cheer me up.
I'll bet I know something about the guy who said, "The brain is the most important
sex organ."
I've got the best of both worlds -- My mom's eyes and my Dad's PIN #.
Listen to your body, because it has much to tell you. Like, "Howzabout a shower
every week or so?"
If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, there's going to be one big-ass fight over
where to set the thermostat.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie...Houston, we have a problem.
February 22, 1999
The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6
month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical
check-up.
The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order" , make sure his
Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He
should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my
Mother-in-law".
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want
to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because then it'll feel like the longest six months of my Life!"
February 20, 1999
Little Billy and Peggy are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Billy goes to Peggy's
father to ask him for her hand. Billy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr.
Smith, me and Peggy are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Billy,
you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to
think about it, Billy Replies "In Peggy's room. It's bigger than mine and we
can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking that this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll
need to support Peggy." Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our allowance. .
.Peggy makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's just about 60 bucks a
month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time, Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Billy has put so much thought into
this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Billy won't
have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Billy, it seems like
you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far. . .
"
Thanks to Carlton
February 20, 1999
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along
the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and
things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big
John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was.
Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to
pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on
the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of
him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo,
and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's
more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John
doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed,
"And why not?" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big
John has a bus pass."
February 19, 1999
You know you are from Northern Ontario when......
* you only own three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup
* you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit
* the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun
* the mosquitoes have landing lights
* you have more miles on your snowblower than your car
* your snowblower gets stuck on the roof
* you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car
* driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow
* you think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons
* you think the start of moose season is a national holiday
* you know which leaves make good toilet paper
* there is only one shopping plaza in town
* the municipality buys a zamboni before a bus
* you find -40C a little chilly
* the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer
* you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellry and your Sorel
boots
* you can play road hockey on skates
* you can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away
* you know the 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction
* you actually get these jokes, and forward them to all your Northwest Ontario friends
Ciao!
February 18, 1999
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the
bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to
dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer
where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them
politicians lie."
February 17, 1999
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip
coming." Allan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God
decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE BEST AGE TO GET MARRIED??
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!"
Cam, age 10
"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same
kids." Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even
boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make
sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich" Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have
kids with them.... It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing ... I'm never going to
have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age
8
"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change
no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure
something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee
and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10
WHAT PROMISES DO A MAN AND A WOMAN MAKE WHEN THEY GET MARRIED?
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases
together." Marlon, age 10
HOW TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 7
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes....
Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age
8
GETTING MARRIED FOR A SECOND TIME
"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live
one." Angie L., age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain". Kelvin, age 8
February 15, 1999
The first thing you should do when you get up is read the obituaries. You never know
when you'll see a name that will just make your day.
Striped clothes are a waste of money, because you can just buy solid pattern clothes, buy
a pack of Mentos and then roll around on a park bench of the appropriate color.
Every time I try to give blood, they won't accept it. Maybe it's time I try giving
my own blood.
I think everyone should start using the phrase, "I'd sure like to bounce a quarter
off his butt!" I don't know what it means, but I like the way it sounds.
Death doesn't sound so bad. At least you wouldn't have to worry about running out of
toilet paper.
Surprisingly, my boss refuses to accept "the early bird catches the worm" as a
valid excuse for leaving work every day at 2:00 pm.
I think if I ran over my boss in the parking lot, I'd stop. To make sure it wasn't a
dog or something, 'cause, hey... ya wouldn't want to run over a dog.
You ever wake up and wonder what time it is...and then the boss tells you? I've
grown to hate that!
Even a murderer is some murderer's mother's son.
If kids on your street try to get you to play a game called "Throw Rocks at
Andy," don't do it, 'cause it's not very much fun.
I think Bill Gates is so rich because he got his wish when he said, "I wish I had a
nickel for every time this PC rebooted!"
I don't see what's the big thing about this Year 2000 problem. According to my wristwatch,
it's almost 1900 years away.
Having a plunger permanently stuck to your head is one thing, but I bet what really makes
you feel dumb is throwing a hat on and realizing you'll never be able to reach it again.
If I were the Pope, I would wear one of those padded suits under my robes. Then, if I ever
got attacked by vicious dogs, I would jump up without a scratch and say, "It's a
miracle!" It would probably get kind of hot waiting around for the dogs, though.
They say that something as small as a butterfly beating its wings in China can cause a
hurricane in America, so maybe we should go to China and kill all the butterflies, just to
be safe.
One day Grandma tried to pinch my cheeks so I turned my head, snapped my jaws and bit off
her fingers. I don't think she'll be trying that for a while.
Nothing says, "That's funny!" like causing Grandma to laugh up a snot bubble.
I would never name my kid "Chastity," because that's just asking for it.
If Adam had had a real hairy back, we probably wouldn't be here today.
God, give me the wisdom to know when to give up and end it all.
On this day, let us give thanks, for it is The Nanny's last season.
Sure everyone will tell you how tough it sounds, but trust me, having "Bobby
Brady" for your gang nickname is nothing but trouble.
The only thing preventing Blair from "Facts of Life" from making a huge comeback
is the world's hatred of feathered hair.
February 8, 1999
An accountant decided to leave his wife one day. He left her a note saying:
"Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I'm leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We'll be staying at the Sheraton."
He then packed his things and went there.
When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:
"Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
February 7, 1999
A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to
hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to
enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with
a stern, focused and very determined
expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly
closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk
and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his
plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his
studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first
quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went
straight to his room. Cautiously, his
mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the
subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at
his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head
and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door
and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant
business!"
February 5, 1999
A New Element Is Discovered
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major
US research university. The element, tentatively named "ADMINISTRATIUM", appears
to be very loosely related to BUREAUCRATIUM - a known deadly poison.. "
"ADMINISTRATIUM" has no protons or electrons and thus has anatomic number of 0.
Upon initial inspection, however, it does have:
- one neutron,
- 125 assistant neutrons,
- 75 vice neutrons and
- 111 assistant vice neutrons, which together gives it an atomic mass of 312.
PROPERTIES -----------
* These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called MORONS.
* It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called PEONS.
PROPERTIES -----------
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected
chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the
discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days
to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. Administratium has
a normal half-life of approximately THREE YEARS, at which time it does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass
actually INCREASES after each reorganization.
OCCURRENCES -----------
Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
February 4, 1999
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (OR GOLF!)
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...
Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
February 1, 1999
Possible Titles for Monica Lewinsky's new book...
I Suck At My Job
What Really Goes Down In The White House
How I Blew It In Washington
You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
Going Back for Gore
Podium Girl
Secret Services to the President
Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
Deep Inside The Oval Office
The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
She's Chief of MY Staff!
Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
How To Beat Off the Government
Going Down and Moving Up
Members of the Presidential Cabinet
Me and My Big Mouth
How To Get Ahead in Business
January 31, 1999
Here are "a Woman's Random Thoughts" you should enjoy:
Skinny people TICK me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know,
sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's
maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but
she doesn't CARE.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that
communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like
to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body
said, "Listen DEAR...do it and you die."
Women get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse
buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect
day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit
into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to
start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
Added thought: I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
January 26, 1999
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had
had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be
his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough
syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering
Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it
all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and
leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had
transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John
explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
January 26, 1999
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
January 20, 1999
Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.
"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer. "I juggle
them in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."
So the
juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking.
Look at the test they're making you do now!"
January 20, 1999
Three people die and meet at the gates. St. Peter interviews the first person. St.
Peter asks what did you do with your life? He answers that he was a doctor and had worked
healing the sick. St. Peter said, "come on in."
St. Peter then asks the second person what she had done with her life. She answered that
she had been a teacher, teaching the young for 35 years. St. Peter said, "come on
in."
Then St. Peter turned the the third person and asked him what he had done with his life.
The man hung his head and told St. Peter that he had been the manager of an HMO. St. Peter
said, "that OK, come on in - but you only can stay 3 days."
January 19, 1999
Now, at long last some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild
colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and
large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while
tiny drops of perspiration appear on
her forehead! With handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available
with teensy tweezers and magnifying
mirror.
4. Cook's Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns.
Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken
their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and
plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of
Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's
own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie
dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in
robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her
personal trainer) is just what the doctor
ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa
Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken, Jr., in a fourth-floor walkup. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post Menopausal Barbie. Poor Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where
she puts things, and cries a lot. She
is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the
channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, she comes with the book,
"Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self".
January 17, 1999
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said
the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the
lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough,
within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
January 16, 1999
Here are some sayings that would make good bumper stickers:
1. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
2. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
3. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
4. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
5 I intend to live forever - so far, so good
6. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
7. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
8. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
9. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
10. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
11. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
12. Robin Hood was a terrorist
13. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it
14. Shake well before and after use
15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
16. The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash
17. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
18. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
19. People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass
rich women than motorcycle gangs.
20. "Honk if you have never seen an Uzi fired from a car window."
A blonde and a brunette are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly,
"Awwww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says,
"Where?"
January 11, 1999
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual
label instructions on consumer goods:
* On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping
* On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary Details inside
* On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap
* Some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost
* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head
*On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the
box)
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating
* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body
* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine Do not drive car or operate machinery
* On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness
* On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children
* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only
* On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use
* On Sainsbury's Peanuts Warning: contains nuts
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts
* On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
January 7, 1999
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a
prime example offered by an English
professor at Southern Methodist University, English 44A, Creative Writing, Prof. Miller.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday: "Today we will experiment with a new
form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with
someone else. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The
partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.
The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. The story is
over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two English students:
Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
----------------------------------------------------------------
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which
used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of
Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she
must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was
suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.
So chamomile was out of the question.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit
over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed
asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year
ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his trans-galactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere
and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent
him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang
of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for
him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful
farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space
Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth --
when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion
missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours
after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they
swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the
ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which
vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on
the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are
the literary equivalent of Valium.
----------------------------------------------------------
Asshole.
----------------------------------------------------------
Bitch.
----------------------------------------------------------
January 6, 1999
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
January 1st, 1999
Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's
22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail
addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks
and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't
even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in
town within the same week.
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a
project" are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door
neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night
plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
January 1st, 1999
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of
yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed,
color, religion or politics,
Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog!
